“All I Really Want”

Listening to Joni Mitchell
As I often do
In times like these
Hollow times
Desperately seeking identification
Similarity in our miseries
I actually heard tonight
I found what I was looking for
“I am on a lonely road”
I couldn’t have said it better
Traveling and seeking
The absence of my identity

I always believe
That I find myself
When alone
Lose myself when together
I’m asking for love
From those who can’t give
It - -
The sorrow fills me
Endless buckets
With holes
Unable to plug them,
I fill everyone else’s
Hoping it will fill me.
It’s never going to work
Not that way
Not ever
Yet I journey
The same path
Endlessly
Seemingly hopelessly.
I’m weary
I’m losing my strength
I’m sad
I want so much
I can’t grasp.

The world of fears
Keeps me tantalized
And alone
Even when I’ve made my choice
Passionately seeking change
I can’t find my map
And I only know one route
Which gets me
From point A to point B
I have so much to give
And I deserve so much
But I struggle
I lose faith
The tears choke me
Force me to rationalize
What I know
Has always been
“Wrong”
OR just
Not the best

Alone and fighting
This diseased mind
Fighting –
Doing battle
Wanting to medicate
Myself with costumed lies
Pretty faces
Quick wits
Good conversation
Manipulation and an excuse
To believe
Feeling like this
Is all I am worthy of
Knowing that
I’m full of shit
I’m not strong
I’m feeling contaminated
And weak
And getting even more so

Romance-
A farce that I have created
To make my misery
That much greater
When it ends
What would I do?
What if happiness?
What if ease?
What then?
Am I done?
Do I graduate?
Probably not
I don’t ever
Want to forget
This – now-
The emptiness
This strife
This seemingly unending sadness

The blues
I’ve got them
And I’m a sucker
For sunshine
And roses
I’m real
And feeling truly fucked up.
My optimism wavers
And
I fear what happens
When that light begins to fade
And I can’t relight it.
Is that possible?
I hope not.

Choices
Examples
Many different names
The same face
I find you
We seek each other
How do I lose
The commitment
To you?
My disaster
Waiting to happen?
Why can I get
Everything else right?
Why is being right
So important?
When I know I’m not
Even close
Distance
Evasive glances
Not in my own skin
When touched
Wanting to go back
To simpler times
To make the one
Necessary change
To fix all these problems

Daddy –
I struggle
I want you to make it better
I want you to say
It’s gonna be alright
I feel like I’m dying
From the inside out
I feel like being destructive
Because sadly enough
It’s safer.

The rain comes.
It pours,
But my tears do not.
I want them to though.
I’m ready to wash
All this away.
I’m reaching my hand out
Please take it
I don’t know
Where else to turn.
I don’t want to give up.